Accommodating myself amidst people and their expectations

Sometimes I wonder whatever that I am, is it because it was always there in me and I have been only discovering it, or have the people around been operating on me and compelled me to invent these traits in me as seen today ?

I consciously try not to cater to the expectations people would want to adorn me with, although with the truest of their intentions. Or, maybe I do absorb some of their aspirations about me into me, and then try pushing my horizons.

Once I have expanded my boundaries mentally, I then have always tried to fill it with efforts and as it has transpired hitherto, I have been able to expand myself and to fit into those larger shoes, and thus my growth.

Is it that I am trying to position myself in the image other people have envisaged of me – Maybe, yes! But, only when I am convinced that it would be something congruent and natural to what I have already embarked to do. It should simply align to my evolving ethos.

It also happens that sometimes these expectations might bog one down under their burden; While I believe there is a mental threshold which is dynamic, and clips these external aspirations in order to fit the true person I know I am.

This post is not to criticize all the real well wishers I am fortunate to be surrounded with, but only to project out the reality to myself, so that although sweet I don't get deluded in an illusion. These expectations serve as an incessant source of inspiration and for sure keep me motivated.

All I can assure to others, and more so to myself is that I will always strive to get better, with no fixed targets, for, who knows even that might become a dead end and halt my growth.

I will flow, and keep expanding.

Gullible vulnerabilities of a wobbling mind

My tending towards arrogance brag sessions about rationality and the import I give to logic and reasoning might already have established a projection of me in your perceptions; if it hasn't I'm glad.

This post is one of those periodic singularities in my blog, where my usual flow of ideas and opinions are obstructed to make way for something more trivial - my own personal commotion from within.

The grand title I have engraved to this post might have led some of you to expect, and I don't know what, but all I am serving in this post is confusion from within.

Ratification is gratification, being my mantra, a couple of minds around have been questioning if this is an absolute principle and would I be able to adhere to it eternally. Even before I could formulate my defense and present it, I introspect to find anomalies and inconsistencies in my proclamation of ratification.

I am so hopelessly irrational many a times, that I know it for sure that I am the most irrational rational around.

What instigates these objective experiences in me is not important, for I am not principled well enough to remain non-subjective. When I call these experiences, responses and expectations irrational, they are more than simple irrationality, these reach zeniths of ludicrousness, at least when probed from the point of the other me I aspire to grow into!

I am gullible most of the time, and this trait isn't about others deceiving me, but more on the lines of self deception. A delusion, that I for always have resented to get away from.

Vulnerable because, I am weak. Weak in the sense that not the strongest as I want to be. There must be some vents through which my strong persona leaks out, leaving me vulnerable.

The responsiveness in me that makes me look like a pathetic simpleton and the impulsive nature of reacting projecting me to be a loose cannon have a deep rooted inconsistency about my mental framework. Impulsiveness and spontaneity in reactions, not even responses have been the devil riding on my back for quite sometime, and I have not off loaded them. Even after pushing myself into super ridiculous and extraordinarily embarrassing situations I oscillate and rest back to abnormality.

The abstraction here is directed back at me, for I know no one but myself can alleviate this sensation of mine.

Less personal,More social

A personal observation about the contents I'm discoursing on my personal blog: It certainly is getting unbalanced. Unbalanced in terms of the contexts of the content being discoursed.

My initial posts, if some of you have read/ been reading, would make it obvious that those were primarily venting out of personal experiences, with a narrow scope in the content. Those posts, if read now seem trivial, nonetheless seem special and cute to me. They imbibe some of the best moments of my life: Rendering those moments immortal.

Off late, the content of the discussions in my posts are seldom pertaining to anything intimately personal at all, and seem to be digressing into wider realms of understanding everything around me, keeping myself as the observer. This again is a phase, which I attribute to the growth I have had. An evolution into mindsets which are capable of comprehending some crucial aspects which shape our lives and mould the society. This again is important and  I am glad to be able to doubt, understand and critique these subtle, yet powerful forces honing us.

This stop and look back post was instigated by the observation that my audience is getting diversified, and some of you have been part of this journey seeing me metamorphose into someone that you think that you know.

Be it personal or social, ideas will forever remain immortal.

Making my moves, like i wanted to!

Taking decisions in life, now, when I am at the verge of an important decision feels like playing a tricky game of chess!

I have thought deeply, evaluated the consequences, guaged the prospects and hoped for the optimum, and it feels precisely like an important move you've done on the board of chess; when you know the pawns will have a radical change, while you are desperately hoping the ramifications to turn out to be good!

It is easier said than done, to steer the happenings of one's life to fall in congruence, or at least near the mental envisage of what his/her life should become. But, once a while, a few important decisions put us right into the pilot seat and present us an opportunity to change the course of our lives.
And, to brave up and take those small risks to move closer to our purpose of life is as good can one's life can get.

Now, I am embarking upon a certain path, which will lead me closer to the essence of me. It might not be something grand or exciting to an outsider, but I am swelling with enthusiasm and euphoria, while I still feel a small tinge of apprehension :)

More than the future prospects, the current contentment I derive out of the control I have exhibited and the confluence of all the right things which have fallen into place make me feel wondrous and simply happy.

Banking on this hope and confidence, I am on MY WAY!

Discerning the materialist in me

Am I a materialist?

Yes and No.

Yes: In the context of non-idealism; in my manners of understanding everything around me. This tinge of materialism in me is what has enabled me to grow an outlook endorsing rationality and self verification, and am usually not driven by the momentum of the legacy of beliefs. 'Doubt everything', as one great philosopher put it is the underlying perceptive principle, out of which the materialism in me emanates.
Looking for the logic behind events, reasoning for occurrences, with an incessant urge to question is how life should be lived. It gives immense gratification, which is otherwise impossible to be rendered by the other ubiquitous means for 'pursuance of truth' like spiritualism, religion or superstition!

No: If being asked in the context of being 'materialistic', i.e.,belonging to the creed manifesting greed, in the purest sense of commodity seeking behaviour. This category of consumers are technically not materialists, but only materialistic in nature.
https://secure.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/wiki/Materialism

I recurrently am encountered with questions about my aims in life.
And even before I start to formulate my ideas, the questioner starts off, "A plot of land","A posh flat", "A gizmo car", "A heavy account balance", and blah blah. If these are not blah blah to you, you are one such prospective questioner I would despise if you go on to presume something on those lines. Contradictory to the conventional trend as it may appear, I treat commodities as mere commodities, and not goals of my life.

It doesn't mean that I do not want to lead a comfortable (economic stress free) life. I would not give any more reverence to the commodities beyond that. My objectives in life, if I were to even think of them are more on the lines of expanding my own abilities, bettering my skills and in this course to throw some positive influence on others.

Self deception in the process of gross deception...

It's quite amazing as to how we can make ourselves believe, almost in a manner of self-deception, by repeatedly emphasising on something fictitious to be factual, either about our own persona or of our perceptions.

Being absolutely honest about oneself is impractical, and more so not pragmatic. There is a trade-off between the quality of the character we possess and would aspire to possess as depicted to the external world. And many a times, these aspirations transcend to become traits, because even we start to believe that these fictions are facts, just like we would have wanted the rest of the world to perceive.

There are principles, and then there are beliefs. While principles are the schools of thoughts endorsed by the mind and there is a tinge of stubbornness attached to it. Beliefs are more on the aspirational lines.

The realities as portrayed by us to the ones other than us, slowly creep into our being and after a certain threshold level of belief, these 'beliefs' become one with our set of principles, mostly attributable to one's depleting ability to discern between the facts and fiction. We convince ourselves while in the process of convincing others, that some of fictitious beliefs are facts as well.

Just like the creator getting lost in his/her own creations, our mind creates a panorama of beliefs to either influence others, or sometimes just to move on with the proceedings.
After having succeeded in making others believe in these created projections of ours, ironically even we end up believing in these projections.
Self deception in the process of gross deception is what all of this seems like.

Back, looking at myself.

After quite a while, I'm trying a stint of introspective post on my blog.

The circumstances I am conditioning myself to, out of conscious choice are of different kind in nature. It is a drift from surrealism to realism. It is like trying to look beyond the Matrix as said by Morpheus to Neo. This perspective really makes me wonder: Yes, this was always there, but darn, I, like the majority of the others hadn't observed it all!

There have been a lot of changes, hopefully all for good, but there is an apparent under utilization of the skills and resources under my own disposal.

While the responsibility and dedication towards the tasks I have taken up has certainly increased, there is a subtle sensation of lethargy which is creeping up in an almost parallel manner. Allocating and utilizing time effectively was one trait in me which I hadn't worked consciously upon, but had evolved to the best. These days, I am having to put in extra effort to see that I utilize the time with my resources in the best possible manner. There is a disconnect developing, and to keep myself aware of it, and to better this syndrome is why this open contemplation is happening.

Increasing distractions would certainly top the list of factors that have put me into this circumstance. Some are necessary, few are involuntary and while the other are parasitic in nature. These are generic to anyone I understand, but when I categorize my own, I am kind of startled. This does require a little bit of sorting to be done.
I do not believe in curbing an instinct which is developed, but only to grow it out. While suppression is bad, transcendence positions itself as the apt solution.

My role models have all been exemplary examples of absolute dedication. After incorporating lot of their ideas into me, I am now attempting to emulate this essential aspect of theirs.